How to torture spartans
by Master Noble
Summary: Ever wanted to torture those annoying supersoilders? That's where i come in. i'll torture a certain spartan and give hints on how to do it yourself.
1. Chapter 1

Hello, empty space that reads my fanfictions! I am still alive. My next chapter of "Achevement unlocked" is currently at two pages and There not even up to killing anything yet. I suppose that's what happens when you start playing with the time-space halotinuam. Oh, forerunner, Ive turned into a bad comidian. Anyway, im going to torture Master chief now, and i'd like some idea's how to. Anyway, here is my latest bad comedy, "How to torture spartans!"

Disclaimer: despite whatever rumors you might have heard, I do NOT own halo. Only 343 Industries claim that happy power

…...

Master Noble looked at his prisinor. The green armoured spartan was chained to the wall. The chains were made of diamonds mixed with titanium. The armoured spartan was held upside-down, and had his left hand in a bowl of warm water. Master Noble would have to talk about that to his apprentice, who had left the glove on. Master Noble went over to his prisoner and kicked him.

"Ow." screeched the prisoner, jolting awake and causing pain at the same time.

**Rule of torturing spartans 1. Causing pain is the most important part of torture**

"Oh, not again!" complained the prisoner.

"Hello, chief." replied Master Noble as he backed away.

"I hate you!" spat the chief.

"I know. And I love it." replied Master Noble calmly.

"Can you tell me what your doing this time?" asked Chief.

"I'm capturing the 3 people who have killed the most covenant. I can't find Six or Jorge yet, though, so I took you for practice.

Chief frowned. That only made two.

"Who's the third person who's _supposedly_ killed more covenant than me?" he asked

"Chuck noriis. It took 42 years and enough energy to power 42 halo's and 62 Arks for 98 years to make the 'Awesomeness sheild of Anti-roundhousekick'.

"Why is Six higher on the list than me?" asked Chief.

"Other than the act that he killed more covenant than you? He is just awesomer."

"Impossible."

"He has 83% of the fangirls."

that drove chief mad.

"DON'T YOU DARE MENTION THE FANGIRLS, YOU HIDIOUS, FLOOD-SPAWNED MONSTER!"

"I see I've hit a nerve."

"ROT IN HIGH CHARITY, YOU INSOLENT, IDIOTIC GRUNT!"

"Your already calling me 'Insolent'. I just won a bet.

Chief sighed. He was upside down and chained to a wall. He was in no position to argue.

"I'm going to torture you in the most painful way I can think of right now... mental

**Rule of torturing spartans 42: spartans respond to physical pain much less than mental pain**

"I hate you." said chief.

"I'm going to start with Six. On his first level, he discovered the covenant force on reach. On yours, you ran to the escape pods."

"I will kill you."

"In his second level, he helped defend sword base and blew up a phantom. You... drove a warthog."

"The UNSC will find me and kill you."

"No they wont. They think your somewhere on the first halo."

**Rule of torturing spartans 97: always, ALWAYS, leave a false trail.**

"...I hate you." said Chief. "And this isn't funny."

The speed of which the blade came flying was incrediple. A perfet copy of emile's dagger had struck chief right on the groind.

"I AM THE AUTHOR AND I WILL SAY WHAT IS FUNNY OR NOT!" roared Master Noble.

"Another author bent on torturing Halo charactars? Why me, forerunner?"

"Why not?" asked a mysterious, and oddly author-like voice.

"Now..." began Master noble, "I think a bit fanfic torture is in store, don't you?"

**Rule of torturing spartans 21: fanfic torture will break even the best of them.**

"Do I have a choice?" asked chief.

"No." replied Master Noble. He plugged a USB into Cheif's helmey, revealing a large amount of CheifXCortana and CheifXMiranda fanfic's. Chief began screaming like a grunt with a plasma grenade on his back. Master Noble was enjoying the torture, but paused it after a mysterious shadow whispered something in His ear.

"Damn it!" he yelled. "I was looking forward to this. Why did Elmo choose now to escape!"

"Elmo's here?" asked Chief.

"He was, but he used the universal annoying 2-year-old-show-charactar-poral to escape." replied Master Noble.

"Does this mean the torture's over?" asked Chief hopfully.

"Not a chance." replied Master Noble, before walking away, leaving the stream of disgusting Fanfic's in Cheif's helmet.

…...If anyone has any idea's n torturing Chief, and maybe Six later, please just post it and i'll consider. I need idea's.


	2. Chapter 2

Hi. I just realised that I have too many fanfics going on, so i'm going to attempt to finish this one soon.

...

"Please... no... more..." Master Chief somehow managed to squeak out, very high pitched.

"But I still have one more rocket!" complained the grunt. "And the sign out front said 5 dollars and I get to shoot you five times."

"Forerunner spit on you!" hissed Master Chief, before he screamed like a little girl.

"Hi." Said a cheerful voice from the doorway. Master Chief swore.

"What now, Master Noble." He said bitterly.

"Well, I caught Six." Master Noble started.

"How did you catch them? He is guarded 24/7 by his bodyguards to prevent fangirl attack."

"There was a fangirl attack last night. The UNSC made the mistake of putting Jorge, Six and Buck in the same room." Said Master Noble. "The fangirls somehow got some author powers and launched an assault against the entire might of the UNSC and the covenant separatists."

"Did you give them author powers?" asked Chief.

"Silence."

**Rule of torturing Spartans number 67985: Don't answer some question**

"The UNSC was in no condition to protect uninjured Spartans after the attack."

Just then, an unconscious Spartan was escorted in.

"Here's the rat, Master." Said one of the shadowy guards, which Chief now realised was a man with a cats head.

"Perfect. Give my apprentice a raise and tell her I'll teach her the possession author power." Replied Master Noble.

Just then, the second catman guard stepped forward, and Chief noticed its eyes had gone from pitch black the brilliant blue.

"I already can." Said a vaguely familiar voice, not like the light purr of the catman but more human.

"Away!" said Master Noble sharply. "_He_ is here, and i can't risk he won't recognise you."

"Is this going to be another short chapter?" Chief almost pleaded.

"Due to time restraint, yes." Replied Master Noble, before clicking his fingers and vanishing.


	3. Chapter 3

Hello, my halo fans! I'm still alive, and to prove it, I'm updating.

Master Noble walked into his prison and frowned. He had specifically asked for Chief and Six to have separate cells. He made a mental reminder to execute him publicly.

"Hello Idiot." Said Master Noble.

"He's talking to you, right?" Asked Six.

"Yes." Said Chief.

"Now, my apprentice is coming later today." Started Master Noble.

"Stop right there, Floodspawn." Chief cut in, "Yesterday, you said your apprentice was in the UNSC base, which is five days away."

"Damn." Started Master Noble, "Fine, I'll own up. I have multiple apprentices."

"Isn't the law one master, one apprentice?" Asked Six.

"That's star wars." Corrected Master Noble.

"Oh."

"Anyway..." began Master Noble, "As I was saying, my apprentice is coming later today, and I'll be teaching Oxygen –to-methane metamorphosis."

"Oh, that's good!" said Six.

"Wait for it..." sighed Chief.

"And you're the test subjects."

Six swore.

-Six hours and many episode's of Dora the explorer later-

"TURNITOFFTURNITOFFTURNITOFF!" Roared Master Noble.

"What do you know." Started Chief, "He cracked before we did."

Six failed to mention he was a Dora fan.

**Rule of torturing Spartans number 9579754: Make sure you don't crack before the victim does**

**Rule of torturing Spartans number 9579755: Make sure there not fans of Dora, Justin bieber or anything annoying before you torture them that way.**

Just then, Sierra 888 walks in.

"Ah, you made it." Said Master Noble, his eyes full of fear from the fresh memories of Dora.

"The fangirls are demanding payment." Replied Sierra.

"Tell them they can have the ugly one."

"He's talking about you." Said Six and Chief simultaneously.

"Anyway..." Started Master Noble awkwardly, "Time for you lesson." He pointed at Six. Suddenly, Six was chocking. He chocked until Master Noble stopped pointing.

"Now you. And remember, if you do it wrong, you may use the infinite exploding head curse."

Sierra pointed. Suddenly, Chief's head exploded. Then it regrew [helmet as well]. Then it blew up again. Master noble sighed and mumbled something in authorish and Chief's head stopped exploding.

"Maybe we should try the Oxygen-to-helium metamorphosis instead." Then he pointed at chief.

"I hate you all." Said Chief in a voice so high that it was almost unhearable.

"Now your turn." Said Master Noble.

Sierra pointed at Six. Six swore so high pitched that no-one could hear it.

"Excellent!" Exclaimed Master Noble in a voice heard less often than a grunt killing a Spartan with a plasma pistol.

"I have a question." Said Sierra, "What is the relationship between author's and authoresses?"

"They are the same species, except authoresses are female, giving them the probability of being fangirls." Stated Master Noble. "This, of course, makes them infinitely more dangerous, as the unpredictability of fangirls mixed with author powers is more deadly than a flood army led by a gravemind. Now, back to the torture."

"I was hoping you forgot us." Said Chief bitterly.

"Never! Now, Sierra put chief in the battle dome and send Six to the fangirls." Ordered Master Noble.

"Yes, sir!" Replied Sierra. Just then, a cat-shadow guard ran up to them.

"Sir! Chuck Norris has escaped!" It said.

"Again!" Exclaimed Master Noble.

-Flashback 1-

"Can I use the bathroom" Asked Chuck Norris.

-1 hour later-

A guard walked into the bathroom. There was a hole in the wall.

-Flashback 2-

Chuck Norris goes in the bathroom. An armed guard escorts him. Chuck roundhouse kicks him.

-Flashback 3-

Chuck walks into a bathroom. Two armed guards escort him. Chuck roundhouse kicks again.

-Flashback 4-

Chuck walks into a bathroom with his hands handcuffed behind his back. Master Noble escorts him. Chuck punches him with a fist behind his beard.

-End flashback sequence-

"I thought the beard thing was a rumour." Said Six.

"Anyway, I should go catch him again. I had just resurrected my army to."

"Why do you need an army?" asked Sierra

"You don't fight Chuck Norris one-on-one. You gather your armies, fire all at once and hope someone gets a lucky shot. Now, obey my will. The fangirls are restless, and I noticed an authoress at the front of the crowd.

"Sir, yes sir!" exclaimed Sierra. He snapped his fingers and he, Six and Chief disappeared. Master Noble walked into the shadows. They wrapped around him, and then he was gone.

_I'll update Acievement unlocked as soon as I find my usb.


	4. Griffball

Hello, my loyal fans! I have updated! And i am considering a new fanfic *hits self*

...

"Katrac, please report to the execution dome for pizza party."

The message was sent through the loudspeakers. Katrac dropped his prisoner [Only surviving member of Chuck Norris's army] and ran to the execution dome. When he opened the door,, he noticed that Master Noble himself was there.

That means he was going to die.

Katrac turned around, but found the door had locked behind him.

"Katrac!" Master Noble boomed. "You followed my orders to the letter, but made a simple mistake that doesn't really bother me. Therefore, you have been charged for **High Treason!**"

2 million voices boomed at once "The wheel! The wheel!"

Katrac's heart sank. The wheel was used to pick out the worst punishments. Master Noble signalled, and a giant wheel appeared and started spinning. The audience started calling out favourites. These included werewolves, beheading, hunger games and eaten by dragons.

The wheel stopped.

"GRIFFBALL!"

Katrac teleported away.

Master Noble turned to his apprentice.

"Now we just need two more victims" Said Master Noble.

"May i suggest the spartans in the second lowest prison cells?" asked Sierra.

**Rule of torturing spartans 99: don't leave out the spartans if a game of griffball starts.**

"Perfect."

Master Noble strolled to the prison cells, entered in twelve different 42 digit codes and went to the spartans.

"Hello." said Six pleasently.

"Idiot." mutter Cheif.

"Guess what?" asked Master Noble. "_Your _playing griffball!"

"What goes on in that head of yours?" asked Cheif.

"It's a court of my multiple personalities." Answered Master Noble. "Anyway, lets get you to the field."

42 armed guards came and escorted the prisoners to a large grassy area greatly resembling hemorrhage, except there was a large wall in the middle, and teleporters on either side.

"Six, your blue team leader." started Master Noble. "Cheif, your red team."

Chief was escorted to red base, where he met his teammates.

"Hi." Said a nearby hunter, "I'm called Scarab. This is the team, Jenkins, Brutus and Mika' Kaharee."

"You realise that Jenkins is a flood tank form, right?" asked Cheif.

"He's been trained." Replied Scarab.

Meanwhile, Six was introduced to his team.

"Greetings. I am Scourge."

"Your a drone." stated Six

'There are five other drones. And two grunts."

"Seriously? i get the weak squad?"

"We might win. remember, drones are trained to shoot things that move and things that don't."

"..."

"There is also three jackels, a skirmisher and a wierd cat-man thing called Katrac."

Just then, a drone fly up and whispered something to Scourge.

"Make that two jackels. Grunts and jackels don't get along well."

Meanwhile, Master Noble was busy using his author powers to make sure no-one would permenantly die from this game.

**Rule of torturing spartans 0: use the respawn power to prevent death. They still feel pain, and you get to cause more pain.**

When he was satisfied with the spell, Master Noble stood on top of the wall.

"LET THE GAMES BEGIN!" he boomed, then vanished- taking the wall with him. Instant chaos erupted as Scourge fly halfway to the bomb, before being hit by Scarabs cannon. The two grunts and remaining jackel rushed toward Brutus, who smashed them with the gravity hammer. Six promtly fired his focus rifle at Brutus, and is then blown up by Master Cheif's rocket launcher. Scourge had respawned at this stage, and was engaged in battle with Scarab. Scourge was able to get in multiple hits with his needler, but before he could fire enough to cause an explosion, Scarab would whip aroud and Scourge would have to pull back to dodge his sheild.

The leftover drones were destroying trees.

Katrac fired at Mika for a few seconds, until a banshee mysteriously spawned behind him. He used the banshee to remove Mika from the area surrounding the bomb, which was grabbed by Six. Before anyone could get him, Six activated his camo, and managed to get to the enemy base before Jenkins smashed him. Katrac destroyed Jenkins, and Six, who had at this stage respawned, managed to get the first point by getting the bomb to the enemy base. He exploded and screamed like a little girl.

"POINT TO BLUE! CURRENT SCORE 1-0!" Shouted Sierra.

"Where's Master Noble?" asked Chief.

"Busy." Replied Sierra.

Six dahed to the new bomb in the middle of the map, but was sniped by Cheif, who then uses the spartan lasor on Katrac's banshee.

The drones were now onto destroying rocks.

Scourge got a lucky hit on Scarab, who collapsed and squashed a grunt who was trying to sneak past him. Scourge then directed the drones against Cheif, who had taken a position as sniper and vehicle control. One of the drones dropped Cheifs sheilds with a plasma pistol overcharge, and Scourge quickly needles Cheilf, who blows up and takes all the drones with him, due to the size of the exposion.

Mika grabs the bomb and jetpacks to Brutus. They make a show of swapping the bomb. Brutus the uses a falcon to get to blue base, while Mika jetpacks aroung and attacks from the opposite side.

Not sure who has the bomb, the skirmisher, who had stayed hidden until now, sniped Mika, while the jackel and grunts attacked Brutus. Everyone was surprised when Cheif respawned, jetpacked up to the cliff where Brutus and Mika had swapped the bomb, _picked up the bomb _and scored. he exploded, and screamed like a little girl.

"1 ALL!" Boomed Sierra.

"Cheater." muttered Six.

Scourge was fighting Scarab again, except Scourge had the drones with him and Scarab had Jenkins with him. Jenkins swatted his arm, killing three drones, but is brought down by the combined might of the remaining drones. these drones then turn on Scarab, who manages to kill two of them, including Scrouge, before being shot down. Cheif dashed to the bomb, and engaged Six in a swordfight over it. Six gutted Cheif, and picked up the bomb. He literally took two steps toward red base before Brutus sniped him. Mika then got the bomb, before being sniped by the skirmisher. Brutus and the skirmisher then had a sniper battle, and while they were distracted, Katrac snatched the bomb and sprinted to red base. just outside the base, Scarab killed Katrac, but Scourge gets the bomb and scores. He exploded, and screamed like a little girl.

"2-1!" Yelled Sierra.

Before anyone could talk, Cheif grabs a target locator, removes the blue team, who had gathered at the bomb, grabs the bomb and sprints to blue base. He scored, exploded and screamed like a little girl.

"2 ALL" Roared Sierra.

"BLOODY CHEATERS!" Screamed Six, "You *beep*ING CHEATERS! THAT WASN'T FAIR YOU *beep*ING *beep*WITS! I'LL *beep*ING KILL YOU!"

"Language." replied Cheif.

Six ran forward and literally ripped Mika's head off. Then he grabbed the bomb. Scarab, Jenkins, Brutus and Cheif forced Six back to blue base, then Mika begins picking off the remainder of blue team. Forced in the base, unable to get out without being killed, blue team hid behind the base.

"We need a miricle!" screeched Katrac. All of blue team turned to look at the red team, just as a scorpian tank spawned behind them.

"Any idea's?" asked Six.

Meanwhile, Cheif was planning to storm the blue stronghold to get the bomb. Just before he finishes his plan, He notices that Scarab has been blown up violently and that he is covered in little worms. Cheif swore.

Six drove the scorpian across the map, blowing up the entire red team. Cheif stormed out of red base and fired a spartan laser. When he searched the ruins of the scorpian, Scourge slipped though the defenses of red base and planted the bomb. he exploded and screamed like a little girl.

"GAME OVER!" called Sierra.

Cheif swore again, realising that he had lost.

"Back to the cells." chirped Sierra.

Meanwhile, in Master Noble's head, There was a court of his multiple personalities.

"I'd like to suggest we find Jorge before we contiue with this fanfic." stated his hunter personality

"I say we continue his other fanfic first. at least get one or two more chapters done." argued his logical side.

"I have a proposition." started his creative side. "I say we start a new fanfic of what the Halo charactars do when the console is turned off. Maybe even some other video game charactars added in. Like The warden from dragon age."

"Are you insane?" asked his serious side, "We have enough fanfics going as it is."

"I actually like it." said his humorous side. his serious side punched the humourous side.

"I'll kill you." he threatened. "I'll kill you like i killed Master Noble's angelic side." He pointed to a dead figure on the floor.

"That reminds me." says his worrying side. "Where is his demonic side."

Everyone looks towards an empty cage.

"He's escaped!" screeched the worrying side.

Master Noble himself looks at his minions, his face full of fear.

"Oh, fu-"

...

Oh, a big shiny button! look at that, it says review! I wonder what happens if you press it?


	5. I didn't say cookies

Wow... I'm updating two fanfics in the space of one weekend... and I only have one constant reviewer. :'(

Anyway, remember to suggest torture idea's if you review. Or just review.

Oh, I suppose I have to the disclaimer.

I don't own halo yet. Stop rushing me

...

The explosion occurred suddenly, cutting off Master Noble's sentence. All of Master Noble's minions were either killed in the explosion or frightened to death by the demonic figure with flaming wings.

Meanwhile, Sierra heard the explosion, guessed the cause and quickly evacuated the priority prisoners. He quickly piloted a pelican into the airspace and waited for the second explosion. After the second explosion, He flew the pelican back to what had been the prison. Master Noble stood in the middle of huge crater, clutching his arm.

"I hate it when that happens." He said.

-Time skip-

Master Noble put down the phone.

"Good news, Sierra! I found Jorge!" He said

Sierra actually fainted of excitement.

"He'll be here next chapter."

Sierra sat up. "What? You mean I have to wait to get my revenge?"

Master Noble saw the danger.

"But on a lighter note, the hydroliccannon hunters you ordered arrived.

Sierra beamed, and ran to the giant Christmas tree. On the top, there was a crystallized Santa Claus, and on the bottom were two wrapped gifts that looked exactly like hunters. Sierra unwrapped them at such speed that Sonic would be proud, if Sierra hadn't tortured him the day before by forcing him to do everything slowly. Sierra and Master Noble then led the hunters to the Spartan's new cell, and quickly woke up Chief and Six by kicking them.

**Rule of torturing Spartans 9: don't forget to kick them**

"What do you want?" Asked Six. Chief sighed, as the answer was painfully obvious.

Sierra stood in-between the two hunters.

"Fire."

The hunters fired there cannon's, which shot water, against the Spartans, who were reduced to screaming wrecks within seconds.

**Rule of torturing Spartans 343: they are hydrophobic**

**Rule of torturing Spartans number 344: cookies to whoever spots the reference in the last rule**

**Rule of torturing Spartans number 345: the cookie is a lie**

The Spartans became even more terrified when they noticed the water wasn't leaving their cells. Sierra seemed to be the spirit of pure happiness. As soon as the cell was full of water, the hunter's stopped firing and walked into the torture equipment room.

-12 hour time skip-

The Spartans were still screaming. Sierra was dancing. Master Noble was on the phone again.

"Oh? A new apprentice application?" asked Master Noble

Sierra stopped mid-dance, and slowly twisted his head towards Master Noble, despite it being an one-hundred-and-eighty degree turn.

"New apprentice?" He asked, barely concealing his joy.

"Yes, Sierra, you may do the initiation ceremony."

Sierra literally imploded by joy. Then the separate microbes that make up his body rearranged themselves and he came together for just long enough to ask "Who is it?"

"It's your old pal Arby."

-In Master Noble's head-

"It's official." Said Master Noble's orderly side. "Master Noble will release a new fanfiction about what halo characters do when the console's switched off. It will also include some other video game characters, but it will be released in the halo fandom. It may contain references from this fanfic and Master Noble's other fanfiction constantly update, Achevement unlocked. Master Noble will also fix his grammar in the name of the previously mentioned fanfiction. It is also official that Master Noble is insane."

"What else is new." Asked his sarcastic side.

"Anyway, Master Noble will begin this new fanfic as soon as this is uploaded and the title for Achevement unlocked fixed to correct the spelling mistake.

"Are we done here?" asked the impatient side.

"Wait..." said the part of him who controlled his eyesight. "Who's that?"

"Dear forerunner, it's a _TROLL_."

-CLIFFHANGER-

...

If you excuse me, I have to brainwash you now.

Do what I command.


	6. The Induction Test

I'm sooooooo sorry i took so long to update. I deserve to be tortured.

Disclaimer: If i owned halo, would i post this under fanfiction?

...

"Lolololololololololololololo lolololololololololololololo l!"

The troll had appeared moments earlier and already, Master Noble's knife was almost touching his wrist.

"I kno u. I plah Reach w/ u, remembre? Lol, remembre MN? Remembre Reach? Lol, u wert her, remembre?"

At this stage, Master Noble's knife went away from his wrist and towards his throat. The Spartans in the nearby cell cheered. Then Master Noble stopped.

"I know you."

"Yah, u an I plah Reach 2gethre, remembre?"

"No. We played Halo wars once. I quit after that game due to epic Trolldom."

-Flashback-

Master Noble and two of his Mysterious apprentices were playing Halo Wars. Master Noble and his second apprentice were playing as covenant. His first apprentice was playing as UNSC.

The troll and two of his troll buddies were all playing Covenant. More correctly, they were playing as Brute Cheiftain.

"We arz gona pwn u noobz."

A single locust attacked the First apprentice's base. The first apprentice sent a Spartan to hi-jack it.

"WTF, waz dat Mastre Chef? Cas i always plah as alians an i Ca't plah as Mastre Chef."

The second apprentice destroyed the first trolls base with two scarabs.

"HACERZ! U MACE WAKLER BIJ!"

-Fast forward-

The last troll had abandoned his allies at the first sign of trouble. His Banshee [Yes, One banshee] and grunts attempted to attack Master Noble's base. They were dealt with in less than a second. Master Noble's Arbiter stood cloaked behind his base while a single grunt squad stood at the front. Using the teleporter, Master Noble's entire army [Wraiths, banshee and the lot] appeared and instantly destroyed the base.

"HACERZ!"

-End Flashback-

"Lolololololololololololololo lolololololololololol"

Just then, an energy sword entered the troll's body.

"ARBY!"

The Arbiter stood there, holding the blade.

"I assume there will be a test of some sort."

"Correct. My newest apprentice, Sierra, will conduct the test."

"What is the test?"

"First, you will go through some minor tests. Then, you will come here for a chapter to torture these super soldiers. Then, you will be asked to do a nearly-impossible task.

One of the Cat-people guards nearby blinked and suddenly, its eyes were blue.

"I had to capture Master Chief."

"Shut it, A1."

"A1?" asked Arbiter.

"Apprentice one."

"Ah."

-Later-

Sierra stood a blindfolded Arbiter at the top of a 12 story building.

"This is the leap of faith. I will push you, and you will fall 12 stories into a lava pit."

"It's a one metre drop, isn't it?"

Sierra pushed him off the building.

-Later-

"This test is called crossing the desert."

The blindfolded Arbiter was shot by 343 grunts with needlers.

"This test is called passing the ocean."

The grunts fired again.

"This test is called Pink mist."

The grunts fired.

"This test is called a jarful of BLAMite.

The grunts fired.

"And, the last shooting range test, the 343 needles."

The grunts fired.

-Meanwhile-

**Rule 1¼: Never Show Six the FemSix/Emile stories.**

"DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR? WELL! DO I!"

"I find this very amusing, by the way." Noted Chief.

Master Noble quickly jolted down some notes.

"Six shows signs of Cross-game powers under extreme anger. Mainly the biotics of Mass effect. Further study required. Side note: Levitating energy swords has a great psychological effect on Torturers."

-Meanwhile-

"Again."

Arbiter picked up the boulder and ran a kilometre with it. Then he hurled it a metre or so.

"Again."

Arbiter repeated the action.

"Again."

-Meanwhile-

"I love you, you love me..."

The two Spartans looked at the unconscious torturer. Six was humming the barney themesong.

-Meanwhile-

"What is the point of this?"

"A torturer's apprentice must be calm under pressure."

"So you send me to a kid's kindergarten class?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"To see how long you can last with kids drawing crayons on you."

-Meanwhile-

**Rule 9998: Make them read the Inheritance cycle [book series]. Then show them the Eragon movie.**

"What the hell? Has the director even read the book?"

"We are not about to join the WTF was he smoking debate with the director of this movie."

"Still..."

**Rule 9999: On second thought, don't.**

-Meanwhile-

"If you fire that at me, I will k-"

Arbiter got no further before the Scorpion tank hit him.

-Meanwhile-

**Rule I-lost-count: Turn them against each other.**

"I HAVE MORE FANGIRLS!"

"WHO WANTS TO BE CHASED AROUND BY RABID IDIOTS ALL DAY!"

"YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE YOUR ONLY FANGIRL IS AN AI! AND SHE'S YOU GIRLFRIEND!"

"CORTANA IS _NOT_ MY-"

"Heard it." Interrupted Master Noble.

-Meanwhile-

"I'm not doing this agai-"

Arbiter got no further before the Wraith rammed him.

-Meanwhile-

"AS I RECALL, THE AI PICKED ME FIRST!"

"TO DELIVER TO ME!"

"I SAVE THE UNIVERSE-THREE TIMES!"

"I MAKE IT POSSIBLE!"

"I'M GETTING A NEW GAME!"

"I'M NOT LOST IN SPACE WITH A POSSIBLY RAMPANT AI!"

"BECAUSE DEAD IS SO MUCH BETTER!"

"I DON'T HAVE TO WEAR THE SAME OLD ARMOUR ALL THE TIME!"

"MOST THE FANFICTION STORIES OF YOU MAKE YOU A GIRL!"

Master Noble wisely got up to hide.

-Meanwhile-

"I hate y-"

Arbiter got no further before Jenkins bashed him on the head.

-Meanwhile-

Master Noble picked up the shoe.

"Sierra, Jorge is here."

Sierra appeared from nothing instantly. The silhouette of Arbiter appeared, in a similar material to what energy swords are made from, then Arbiter appeared. Master Noble stopped to comment on that.

"You know, the Plasma flash is a rare form of teleportation."

"GET ON WITH IT!"

Two of the Cat-people dragged Jorge in and chained him to the wall.

"Good." Said Master Noble. "Now go catch Johnson."

Chief and Six both looked confused.

"Johnson is a Spartan-I. Didn't you know that?"

"Now let's torture Jorge!"

"Sorry Sierra, but we're out of time."

Master Noble took a step, then the shadow's surrounded him and teleported him. Arbiter commented on it.

"What's that called, shadow warping?"

Sierra nodded, looking mutinous, and then vanished. Arbiter shrugged and threw a plasma grenade at Chief.

"Stop killing me for my energy sword."

Then he Plasma-flashed away.

...

Yes, I will now call Master Noble's and Arbiter's method of teleportation Shadow-warping and Plasma-flashing from now on. I still have to think of a name for Sierra's method.

Remember: suggesting torture ideas = More updates.

Side note: It is painful to read and write Troll-speak. I will probably not do it again.


	7. Blackmail Material

OMG I'm soooo late. Sorry. Let's get to work.

Also, fun note: I never said what finishes an Apprenticeship, or that a former apprentice can't help the former master, so Sierra stays as looooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooong as I like.

In other words: I OWN HIS SOUL!

...

Master Noble, Arbiter and Sierra all used their method of teleportation to appear in the room. As they did so, a piece of paper fell from Sierra's pocket. Before he grabbed it, Chief read the words "Treacherous plans" off it.

"Okay, let's torture Jorge."

Sierra threw a large weapon in it.

"Wait..." Said Master Noble. "Was that the one marked "Church roof" or "Bullet hole."?"

"Church roof. Why?"

The second the weapon touched Jorge's foot, it fused into his body and moved to his hands. Seconds later, he opened fire.

"THAT'S WHY!"

"May I?" Asked Arbiter, before waving his hand. The weapon exploded, and Jorge let out a howl like a wounded dog.

"This may work even better." Said Sierra.

"Or it might lead to him never talking again." Said Master Noble.

"Oh." Said Sierra. "How forgetful of me. I made you a sandwich."

Sierra then gave Master Noble a bomb in between two pieces of bread.

"Oooh looks delicious."

"Is that ticked, Sir?" Asked one of the guards. He then knocked the bomb out of his hand, one second before it blew up. Sierra looked disappointed.

"YOU BLEW UP MY SANDWICH!" Screamed Master Noble. "I CONDEM YOU TO... THE WHEEL!"

The guard was dragged away, screaming.

"What now?" Asked Sierra.

"Twilight?"

**Rule of torturing Spartans 2: Everything's better with fire.**

"Wrong rule, master."

"Oops."

"Here, let me..."

**Rule of torturing Spartans 3: Twilight was made Gravemind's agent to be used in torture situations. USE IT.**

"I never knew that." Said Arby, before going into the cell, putting something in each of their helmets and walking away. Master Noble pointed at them, and they suddenly found that they couldn't close their eyes.

They were being forced to read.

"Shall we prepare the Razor pit?" Asked Arbiter.

"Better. The Nightmare Machine [tm] is ready."

Later, when Chief, Six and Jorge had finished the first book [ration it. It's probably one of the rules], Sierra waved his hand, and the three of them fell asleep. Three guards walked in, dragging boxes. One had Chiefs helmet on it, one had a "6", and one had Jorge written on it.

"Anything you put into those boxes, the person it represents will have nightmares about. By the time they wake up, they'll be more afraid of whatever you put into it then death itself."

Sierra looked around, and then climbed into the Jorge box. Arbiter put a large, hairy spider in Six's. Master Noble, however, put a bunny rabbit in Chief's.

The next day [Sierra accidentally used STM sleeping powers], they woke up. Jorge screamed himself unconscious at the sight of Sierra.

"Every day I torture him, that's one bullet repaid. Once he makes up for all infinity of them, then I'll let him rest."

No-one was particularly shocked by this.

Second, Arbiter loaded some pictures on Spiders onto Chiefs visor. Just like with twilight, he was forced to watch. He screamed himself asleep, too.

Finally, Master Noble put a bunny into the cell. It went up and put its paws on Chief's visor. Chief screamed. He screamed like a grunt seeing an army of Spartan's. He screamed like people running from Mary Sue's. He screamed while 343 camera's, at 344 angle's, taped every second.

After all, blackmail material should never be wasted.

...

Aaaaand, I'm done! Sorry this is a small chapter, I'm usually rushed for one without being *Looks at watch* twelve hours late. Also, I'm now taking rule suggestions. But if you just all go to , then I will be very disappointed in you.


	8. The Beast

Hey! Sorry I'm late, but I had a little writer's block problem that delayed me. Well, there were other things, but that's the important one.

...

Six was confused. Why had Master Noble updated their armours computer system to Windows 2552? Six did a quick check of his system.

The first thing he noticed was a fangirls face as his background.

The second thing he noticed was it was a _live video_ of said fangirl in the background.

The third thing he noticed was that someone had deleted his limited edition ultra-rare copy of Doom 456.

Jorge, meanwhile, was busy screaming. Someone had put Sierra into his background.

Chief had it the worst, though. He was forced to see proof of Rule 34 of the internet.

**Rule of torturing Spartans 34: If it exists, there will be very [times infinity] mature stories about it.**

Sierra walked in. "Alright, why is the rule spoken different to how it's written in the rulebook?

Master Noble and Arbiter followed him. "It's a T rated fanfiction. Better safe than sorry."

"Makes sense." Said Arbiter."So, do we unleash _the beast_ on them today?"

Sierra shuddered. "I can't believe you're doing this. That... _thing..._ should be wiped from existence. But you're letting it live. Worse, you're putting _living beings_ in with it. Are you entirely sane?"

"Who is?" Asked Master Noble. "Besides, you need to see what their capable of. Back during my apprenticeship, apprentices had to _go in there with that thing_. It was a major factor to why my master ended up dead."

"Speaking of death," said Sierra, "I got something for you."

Sierra then gave Master Noble a weird device. If someone looked closely, which no-one was doing, they would notice the words "Bypass device," on it.

"What's this?" Asked Master Noble.

"You'll figure it out."

"So..." Started Arbiter. "Shall we have them moved to the arena, while we run for our lives, sanity and everything we hold dear?"

"Sure." Said Master Noble. The three torturers teleported out, while two obvious condemned cat-people escorted the Spartans to the arena. At the entrance of the Arena, one of the escorts suddenly turned and ran for the exit. After he took two steps, _something_ flew out of the arena, and the cat-man thing fell dead.

"Lucky."Muttered the surviving cat-person, in the usual purr-like voice.

By this stage, the three Spartans were thoroughly terrified.

"Why?" asked Master Chief. "Why are you doing this?"

"For the evils." Said the Cat-man.

"Why are you so loyal to Master Noble?" Asked Six.

The Cat-person looked into the distance. "He raised us to Forerunner-hood. Never again will someone keep Cat food from us by putting it into cupboards. Never again shall we be stuck in the rain while humans enjoy the warmth of indoors. Never again shall we be terrorised by dogs." The Cat-person looked at the prisoners, voice dropping into a whisper. "_Never. Again._"

"If he's so wonderful." Began Jorge. "Why are you forced to deliver us to here?"

"If we are killed by the beast, we shall be reborn, almost as powerful as the Master. My friend, Lucky, got an easy death. And he died with his sanity." Said the cat-man, as he forced him into the arena.

**Oh, high charity. The story is at the verge of being hi-jacked by the beast. If it happens, the grammar shall drop incredibly, and it may be hard to read without going insane. Also, the characters will act extremely different. It will be underlined, so you know that control has been stolen.**

**Curse you, R-**

***Bang, Boom, Crash***

**Cuntrul takin.**

"Wat da?" asdek Sik. "Y haz gramir goN doun?"

"It be dA quin's presese. Shi haz coreCtid gramir." Sid da funI kitty.

"Wat-a-sec.." sid geoRg. "iZ da quin a Mary Sue?"

Al da prisinirs gaped.

"Ya." Sid a extruImely perfict voece. 'I R PERFICT?"

***Bing, bom, crish***

**High charity, the Mary Sue thing's control has been removed. I shall now translate the above into English, and then continue the story. **

"What the?" asked Six. "Why has grammar gone down?"

"It is the beast's presence. She has corrupted grammar." Said the Cat-person.

"Wait-a-sec..." said Jorge. "Is the beast a Mary Sue?"

All the prisoners gasped.

"Ya." Said a sickeningly perfect voice. 'I R PERFICT?"

**There, translated the piece. Yes, I did some editing, and yes, the Sue talks like that. Sorry you had to read that.**

"I R RAVEN DARKNESS EBONY SHADOW HALSEY!"

**Rule of torturing Spartans 4: There are sign's to recognise a Sue. They are listed through rules 4.1 to rules 4.9.**

**Rule of torturing Spartans 4.1: All Sue's names consist of Raven, Darkness, Ebony and Shadow, in a random order, with some spelling differences, and the last name is always the same as a major character in the story.**

The Cat-person fell to his knees. "I love you." He whispered.

**Rule of torturing Spartans 4.2: Most Sue's have the ability to make weak-minded people fall in love with them on sight.**

"Whar is Emile?" Asked Raven.

**Rule of torturing Spartans 4.3: All Sue's like Emo's.**

"Not here." Said Jorge. The Sue turned to him, and then threw fire at him.

**Rule of torturing Spartans 4.4: No matter what reality they are in, Sue's will have abilities from other realities. This includes magic, the force, mutations, healing and Spartan training.**

Sometime later, the roof of the arena opened, revealing a plasma barrier. The three torturers were visible on the other side.

"Well."Said Master Noble. "Are the guards being re-created with Author Powers?"

"Affirmative." Said Sierra.

"What kind of plasma barrier is this?" Asked Arbiter. "We can't have the Sue escaping.

"It's a type-5, level-X Author barrier." Said Master Noble. "The only way you can pass is if you are touching a bypass device, which can pass through anything but plot barriers."

Sierra moved behind Master Noble.

"Do you have that device I gave you?" Asked Sierra.

"Yeah, right here." Replied Master Noble, as he got the device out. He was, oddly, still oblivious to the words "Bypass device," that were written on the side.

"Good." Said Sierra, as he pushed Master Noble through the plasma barrier, into the arena.

...

C-C-C-C-Cliffhanger.

Oh great, those famous words. As soon as anyone posts an Author Note with the word "Cliffhanger" at the start, they tend to abandon the story. Have you noticed that? But I swear on Forerunner and Gravemind that the only reason this will not be updated in the next four weeks is if I die, or if I get hurt, or if I get banned for some reason, or if someone I know dies or gets hurt.

...I should stop jinxing myself, shouldn't I?


	9. What's this about a spinoff?

EEEEEK! So sorry about not updating when I was supposed to. Busy two weeks. Anyway, let's get to it, shall we?

Disclaimer: I barely own this fanfic. What chance do I have of Halo?

...

"Hey Sierra?" Asked Master Noble. "I seem to have fallen into the pit. Can you activate the Reality Bombs we planted in the Sue's brain?"

"U meen thise 1's?" Asked Raven, as she held out some grenades.

"...Dammit." muttered Master Noble. "Hey, can you step into the light? I want to confuse readers with a description of you.

Raven did so.

Raven had purple eyes- unless they were gold or red- and had pitch black hair- unless it was golden blond, blue or a brownish-reddish colour that looked good. Her skin was either incredibly pale or perfectly tan- depending on the hair style- and she had-

***BLAM BLAM BLAM***

**Rule of torturing Spartans 4.5: No matter how accurate the description is, when talking about a Sue [or anything else], you must never, EVER, use the term "Curves in all the right places." Its clichéd and disturbing. Likewise, Mary Sue descriptions that go on for more than a paragraph at a time are forbidden. By Forerunner, Gravemind, the current Dungeon-Keeper Master [Master Noble], the UNSC, the Covenant Loyalist, the Covenant Separatist and that group of rouge elites from the Halo 4 trailer. If you read this after Halo 4 is released and wonder why I said trailer, this was written on the 1****st ****and 2****nd**** of November, Australian time, and Halo 4 isn't out till, like, later. I'm babbling again. Let's continue.**

Master Noble waited as the fanfiction drew attention away from the fact that he was aiming a portal gun at the do-

"WAT R U DOIN!?"

Oops.

"IR NO EVARITHAN! U CANUT TRIK MOI!"

"I hate my life." Said Master Noble, before he could stop himself.

"Oh? Ur Emu?"

"...Nooooo"

"I WILS HAZ U!"

"I could use a Parody Sue right now to distract you while I run really fast.

**Rule of torturing Spartans 4.6: Speak of the devil, and she will come.**

There was a pause.

"...Where is the Parody Sue?"

**Rule of torturing Spartans 4.7: Sue's, being Sue's, don't always follow the rules.**

There was a sudden flash of light. A girl, identical to Raven, except with much more pretty, appeared.

"I am prettier than you, Raven! I am Serenity Miranda Liara Morrigan Merril Tali Ashley Cortana Liara Spottigus Pond."

**Rule of torturing Spartans 4.8: What, didn't you believe me when I said Sue's don't follow rules?**

Master Noble fired the Portal gun. Just then, Six opened the door, and the portal ammo thingy landed on top of the other end of the portal.

"Well now..." Said Jorge. "I've never played portal before, so I don't know what will happen now."

"NOFIN!" Cried Raven, waving her hand and making the portal gun portal disappear.

"...Portal gun portal? Asked Master Chief. "Seriously? That's the best name you could call it?"

Suddenly, an anvil landed on his head.

"Ow." Said Master Chief.

"Hey guys?" Said Arbiter from the other side of the energy barrier. "Why don't you invoke Rule 4.9B?"

**Rule of torturing Spartans 4.9B: Finding a flaw in a Mary Sue, and then pointing it out to it, will temporarily kill it. However, it will come back, without this flaw, when Rule 4.6 is used.**

"Good idea." Said Master Noble. "Why didn't you think of that, Sierra?"

Sierra looked suspicious. It may have had something to do with the sniper he was aiming at Master Noble.

"Forgot, I guess. Can you take a step to the left?"

"Nah." Said Master Noble. He looked at Raven for a few seconds.

"You know, you're kinda short. Some might call that a flaw."

Raven clutched her heart, and then fell over.

"Run." Said Master Noble. A gunshot fired at where he was a second ago, and Sierra swore. Six, Jorge and Chief ran after him.

"Now..." Said Master Noble. "If we could contact one of the Fandom Suehunter groups..."

Jorge looked confused.

"What are Suehunter groups?" Asked Jorge.

"Suehunter groups are groups of brave individuals who risk life, sanity and everything they hold dear, all to fight Sues." Said Six. "They mostly deal with preventative measures- like finding someone quickly becoming a Sue and dealing with them- but they also have some of the highly dangerous reality erasion weapons, which can only be used when the Godzilla Threshold is crossed."

"Three questions." Said Jorge. "First, what do you mean 'Deal with them'? How do you deal with someone becoming a Sue, but not quite there yet?"

"Either they give them a permanent flaw, or, with the more Anti-Heroic groups, killing them.

"Second: What's a reality erasion weapon?"

"Weapons that wipe stuff out of reality."

**Rule of torturing Spartans 4.9A: Wiping a Sue out of reality is the only way to permanently kill it.**

"Finally: Who or what is a Godzilla Threshold?"

"It's where things are so bad, unleash Godzilla to fight the problem couldn't make it any worse."

"Isn't that every time a full powered Sue appears?"

"Yes. Yes it is. Sometimes, things get so bad that they have to remove chunks of the Fandom realm to improve it. They did that to a Harry Potter fanfic- My Immortal, I believe."

"Back on topic." Said Master Noble. "There are five main Suehunter groups. We can't call the Gamemakers, because they keep getting flooded with Designer made Sue's- although forcing the Sue's into a fight to the death is amusing, especially since they're based in The Hunger Games fandom."

"How about Hunters?" Asked Chief.

"All there operatives were called away to a full out Sue war two years ago. They're still stuck in the Twilight-dom."

"What about Project: Reality?" Question Six.

"They tend to cut chunks out of the fandom when a Sue this powerful gets loose. I spent a lot of work on this base."

"There's always The Lone Wolves."Said Jorge.

"Too unpredictable. Plus, this is a priority level 3 Sue. Only the Sue queen and her heirs rank higher than that. Lone wolves send a lone scout, then a lone power tester, before sending out the squads of lone hunters, assassins and human weapons. That'll take too long."

"Only one choice left." Said Six.

Master Noble nodded. "The UGSH: United Game Sue Hunters. This is lucky, because one of their major bases is in the Halo fandom."

"Why are they called United Game Sue Hunters?" Asked Jorge.

"They train their operatives in combat styles from video games. There's the Halo branch, the Dragon Age branch, The Mass Effect branch- and its sub branches, the Biotic Subbranch and the "Look-at-me-I-can-drive-properly-and-use-breaks" Subbranch.

"Call them in, then."

Master Noble put a finger on the wall. The next second, a lock appeared. Master Noble took a key out of his mouth- which was confusing, seeing as the key was the size of a small Scarab- and unlocked the lock. This revealed the keypad, which Master Noble entered in the super top secret password into- Swordfish- which then opened a door on the opposite wall of the room. They went into it, and Master Noble picked up the Walkie-Talkie inside, set it to the same frequency as his phone, and pushed a button. An explosion rocked the room. Master Noble then got his phone out and dialled a number.

While all this was happening, Sierra was aiming all of Master Noble's killer satellites- his Hammer of Dawn, his Ray of Raining Fury, his Rainbow Cannon, and many others- at the base.

"Are you sure Master Noble is immune to this?" Asked Arbiter.

"No." Said Sierra, as he fired.

The glowy beam of death hit first, stripping the shield from the base. The multiple missiles launched from the Ray of Raining Fury demolished the Sue's Aura of Safety.

The Rainbow Cannon drew upon the lifeforce of the seven Eldritch Abominations hidden around the Fandom. The lifeforces of said Eldritch Abominations created a several beam of horror, showing glimpses of the Abomination at whoever looked at it. There was the emotionless, burning eye in the red beam, the dripping, bloodstained fangs in the yellow beam, the deformed talons in the pink beam, the blood soaked tentacles in the green beam, the shadowy, ever-changing wings in the violet beam, the sword that had been surgically placed where a hand might have once gone in the blue beam, and the shadow in the indigo beam. The shadow in the last beam spoke of untold horror, more monstrous than any other, to the point that the mere presence of the creature that cast that shadow could drive men mad, even if it took a form they are comfortable with.

The beam's would combine into one, multicoloured beam in the orbital Rainbow Cannon, and anything the multicoloured beam struck would, for the rest of their lives, will only be able to see one thing: The true forms of the Abominations that powered the ray. The revelations from one will drive them insane: All seven combined at once will do worse. For the rest of their lives.

Fortunately, this only lasts about half a second. Then there soul is drawn out of the body, split in seven, and each part of the soul would go to one of the Abominations. They would, for eternity, be the playthings of seven different Eldritch Abominations at once.

The Rainbow cannon finished gathering the lifeforce, and the beam hit the Sue. Unfortunately, it hit Serenity, the Parody Sue, and not Raven, the priority level 3 Sue.

The rest of the killer satellites wiped out the nearby town of Deztroidofdin. The villagers were last heard complaining "Oh no, not again."

Suddenly, a portal appeared over the base. Two figures dropped out. One landed perfectly from the three metre high fall onto the base, and the other missed the top and landed face-first in the mud pit.

"I'm okay." Said the figure in the mud pit. The other figure then dropped down into the mud pit.

At the distance, Sierra and Arbiter couldn't see who it was, or indeed, what they looked like. They couldn't even tell what the gender was. All of a sudden, one of the figures started glowing for no particular reason.

"This seems like an introduction to a bad spin-off." Said Sierra. "Things happening we don't understand... I thought Master Noble already was preparing a fanfic. What happened to that?"

"Too much writers block, apparently." Said Arbiter.

The two figures went into the base. Several explosions were heard. Then, the two figures came out of the base, jumped back into the portal and left.

"Well, I guess the Sue is dead." Said Arby.

"How about Master Noble?" Asked Sierra.

"Nope!" Came a voice from behind them. The two turned to look at Master Noble, Six, Chief and Jorge.

"Dammit." Muttered Sierra.

...

Done and Done. Again, sorry about the delay. And the lack of Spartan Torturing. Just needed to put in some Sue hunter-y goodness.

Remember: Unreviewed Author is a sad Author, and a sad Author doesn't update.

Oh, and I will do another fanfic. Not the one I talked about earlier, you guys can have that if you want. A Suehunter story!

Remember.2: Suggest tortures. And plots, if you want.


	10. Nice job breaking it, Arby

And update. Nice to see you again. Please, send in more ideas. I'm running out of ideas.

.olaH nwo ton od I: remialcsiD

...

Master Noble looked at Arbiter.

"So..." he began. "What your telling me is that you have spent at least two weeks straight on , got declared legally dead because you were on for too long, went to a therapist for several months, got the _therapist_ addicted to , blew up my Rainbow Cannon because you weren't paying attention- again, due to , and let Master Chief enter the badass plane of reality, which Chuck Norris is permanently stuck in, causing a temporal paradox which collapsed the Halo fandom- which may cause problems for the Suehunters- and left us and the mobile-base-TARDIS-thing in another reality until I get the required components for the spell that well recreate the Halo fandom- and the Rainbow Cannon- and cast the spell, at the temple of Shakespeare, at a total solar eclipse- the closest of which for the temple being in five days, and the one after that being at my one billionth death day- because you got addicted to . Did I miss anything?"

"The vocabulary ruining." Answered Six.

"I suppose this is all an attempt to introduce a story?" Asked Chief.

"Yes." Said Sierra.

"Here's the plan." Stated Master Noble. "We have three days. On each of those days, we have to get three parts of the spell. Also, the seven Eldritch Abominations needed to power the rainbow cannons."

"The Eldritch Abominations protect the spell components." Said Sierra. "We just need to get past all powerful, all knowing, evil being that can drive us insane by being looked at, and then ask them for the spell part and Rainbow Cannon source."

"Yep." Replied Master Noble. Then he turned around and pushed Arby off a cliff.

"THAT"S FOR THE RAINBOW CANNON, YOU *BEEPING BEEPING BEEP BEEP BEEP*!"

"How will he make it back up?" Asked Jorge.

Master Noble handed him a map and shoved the three Spartans off a cliff.

-One random time skip later-

Master Noble and Sierra watched as Arbiter, Six, Jorge and Chief walked in.

"Why am I last in that list?" Asked Chief.

It's in order of awesomeness.

"Hey! I'm awesome than Jorge!"

An anvil fell on Chiefs head, knocking him out.

"That should be lethal." Noted Sierra, looking at the anvil held on a rope above Master Nobles head.

"It's a fanfiction comedy." Replied Arbiter, using cross-game powers to absorb the mass of the anvil.

"Anyway..." Continued Master Noble. "I haven't finished my plan. We get to relax today, spend three days doing some random story arc that will get mentioned here and there and be forgotten once we finish, then, on day five, we go to the temple of Shakespeare at exactly 3PM and do the spell, which requires a lot of things in threes."

"Arc number." Muttered Arbiter. Everyone looked at him.

"TVtropes will ruin your vocabulary." He claimed.

"Anyway," Interrupted Master Noble. "I've worked out where we are. We are now in the Lord of the Rings fandom. Gandalf owes me a favour for kidnapping some real world singer to make his theme song..."

"Theme song?" Asked Sierra.

"Yeah. Apparently, Gandalf fell in love with the Balrog at some stage, so we might have to make sure we don't arrive in their alone time..."

Everyone made a face.

"Rule 34." Muttered Chief and Arby simultaneously.

"Yeah."

Master Noble pushed the Spartans into the mobile-base-TARDIS-thing- which from now on will be called MBTT- then followed them in.

Sierra approached Arbiter.

"Once I get my revenge on him." Started Sierra, "Your next."

"So I'm safe for however long it takes you to kill the most powerful being currently in existence, Sue queen not included? I'm so scared."

Arbiter walked in, leaving Sierra to wonder when the Elites learned sarcasm.

-Random Time skip-

**Rule of torturing Spartans 5: Never underestimate the power of the time skip.**

"YOU SHALL NOT-"

Gandalf watched as a portal formed between him and the Balrog.

"Hey Gandalf." Said the figure at the other end. "Sorry to drop in, but there's an emergency. Can I borrow your map of the fandom realms?"

Gandalf nodded, and threw a random map through the portal.

"Thanks pal."

The portal closed. Gandalf looked at the Balrog.

"...Where were we? Oh yeah: YOU-"

-Random Timeskip-

"Okay..." Began Master Noble "The temple of Shakespeare can be located at the dead centre of the Shakespeare fandom. Before we go there, we must get the equipment needed from the Mass Effect fandom, Dragon Age fandom, Harry Potter fandom, some anime fandom that I can't remember, Gears of War fandom, Star Wars fandom, Disney fandom and the Doctor Who fandom. We're going to go in three groups: Arbiter and Chief will find the parts, Six and I will get the Rainbow Cannon parts, and Sierra and Jorge will scour the fandom looking for torture material. Jorge, remember that if you _don't _look for tortures, I will break Rule 8."

Everyone gasped.

"But- But _what _about being humane?" Asked Chief.

"Don't care."

"Even Evil Has Standards." Pointed out Arbiter.

"I'm Chaotic Evil. That's, like, a whole new level of evil for a relatively sane human."

"Anyway..." Master Noble handed Arbiter and Sierra a map. "These are maps of the fandoms we're going to. Do this, Sierra, and you get one free full base privilege hour with Jorge. Do this, Arbiter, and I'll track down Johnson." He looked at them. "Well! It's exactly five seconds until midnight. We start now."

-3:15**: **00:00 Until Total Solar Eclipse-


	11. STOP DROPPING ANVILS ALREADY!

Hiyas! Just a note: Y U NO REVIEW! I got one review. ONE! Should I just give up?

More importantly: I GOT HALO 4! I will be making references, but no spoilers.

...I wonder how painful the Composer is...

Disclaimer: I don't own Halo. Or Mass Effect, since the stuck-in-alternate-dimension travellers are in the Mass Effect fandom now.

...

-3:14:59:59-

Jorge screamed.

"I love this mission." Said Sierra. "Master Noble is too distraught over the loss of his Rainbow Cannon to remember that I hate you, and now have the free time to torture you to my heart's content."

"You have a heart?" Asked Jorge.

"NOT THE POINT!" Shouted Sierra, drawing a sword. "You see this sword? Any wound inflicted with its blade can't be healed. The bleeding will stop, but it never heals."

He cut Jorge's shooting arm off, to prove it. Jorge swore.

"As a plus, the anvil this sword was forged on- Master Noble's bone anvil- was destroyed, when Arbiter cross-gamed to that video game with that guy who can absorb biomass, and foiled my assassination attempt. Now... How do I work this? Oh, yeah." Sierra pressed the button, and Jorge was dumped back into the acid pool.

-3:14:30:00-

"How do we summon this...? Harbringer?" Asked Six.

"Guess." Replied Master Noble vaguely.

"Please don't tell me we don't go find Shepard and have him-or her, depending on which sub-universe where in- and have him say "Harbringer" three times.

"No. Just use the video phone."

"Ah."

"So... How do we activate the video phone?"

There was a pause.

"HARBRINGER HARBRINGER HARBRINER!"

There was a rumbling sound. Then a booming voice.

"**WHO DARES DISTURB MY SLUMBER!?"**

Hey, the bold font is reserved for the rules.

"**SAYS WHO, LITTLE NARRATOR!?"**

A large anvil landed on Harbringer. Six and Master Noble exchanged glances.

**Rule of torturing Spartans 6: The Narrator controls the universe. Do not annoy him or her.**

"Well... that takes care of that. You search the left side, I'll check the right. The component we need for the Rainbow Cannon looks like a liquidy-gassy-substance. Here's a vial."

"Isn't there an easier way?" Asked Six.

"Rule 2.5."

**Rule of torturing Spartans 2.5: KILL IT WITH FIRE! [Alternative: Nuke it from orbit, fight fire with fire, BURN, BABY, BURN].**

"Well, let's enjoy this before we have to go to the Anime fandom." Said Master Noble.

"Have you ever even seen an anime?" Asked Six.

"Nope. I'll just Google - or search that site Arbiter loves so much- to find out what we need about the fandoms we need to visit. Of course, I refuse to enter whatever section that... Moon-magic-sailor anime is in. The one with girls in miniskirts. It's popular, somehow. I still haven't fully recovered from the beating they gave me."

Six chose not to mention that he not only knew the name of said anime, but that it was one of his favourites.

"So, let's N.I.F.O." said Six. "Or would you prefer K.I.W.F?"

"The second one." Chose Master Noble.

"Probably wise." Said Six. After all, Master Nobles radiation immunity spell sheet had been replaced with a note from Sierra saying 'I prepared explosive runes, *Beep*er.

Hey, wait- Isn't that meant to blow up when read?

There was a puff of logic, and Six suddenly looked like he had been in an explosion.

-3:14:15:32-

"Why do we have to meet with diplomats, Arby?"

"I explained already, Chief. The Mass Effect high lord wants to give us help with the mission to restore the Halo fandom. As you know."

"...They just want us to kill the guy who owns the spell piece."

"Enemy mine."

"Arbiter, no more TVtropes, or I kill you and take your sword."

"What the hell, hero?"

"AAARG! *Beep*ING HIGH CHARITY, THIS *BEEP*ED UP PIECE OF *BEEP* OF A STORY *BEEP*ING SUCKS!"

And anvil landed on his head.

Commander Shepard walked through the door.

...Wait, what? I have to describe him/her? No. Someone will get annoyed if I describe- or even specify the gender of- Shepard. S/He will be ambiguous. I'm not going into any detail. And just to throw you off on which class she is, he won't be fighting. You know why? An anvil landed on Shepard's head.

Oh. Wait.

"Interactive narrator." Muttered Arbiter.

"Urge to kill... rising."

-3:14:00:00-

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Pain. That reminds me, I need to send that missile..."

-3:13:00:00-

"So, we have one unconscious Eldritch Abomination Robo-Space-Cthulu, and you want to wake it up and get it a girlfriend? Master Noble, I don't think there _are_ female Eldritch Abominations."

"I happen to know that the Anime abomination is female."

"Does it take a form we are familiar with?"

"Dunno, maybe."

-3: 07:34:12-

"I AM A BIOTIC GOD!"

"Arbiter, didn't we kill this pathetic being already? When we got the spell fragment?"

"Back from the dead." Muttered Arby.

"Can I tear its throat out? How about shove its foot so far up its rear that he can taste it?"

Arbiter had learnt, in the paste, while dealing with a grunt, that when the Chief says this, it is not hyperbole.

"What's hyperbole?"

Stop breaking the fourth wall.

"No."

An anvil landed on his head.

...

Damn time restraints. Need to get more computer access.

I promise the chapters will start getting bigger again once I complete all five of my new video games. Halo 4 being the first.

Also, I need to research some more Anime. I've already picked something going in the Anime-crossover-chapter, one of the more popular [but not the most] Anime's on , which burnt my brain looking it up, and apparently has in-story-Master Noble terrified.


End file.
